Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I hold my tarnished tin cup to the sky and watch it pour in - a measure of golden light.

It's a slippery thing. At least for me. The ancients tell us to look forward with a perfect brightness of hope. But gather the unknowns, combined with the need to acquiesce, and my little cup of hope teeters in the wake of my questions. How long? What if we have to yield? What if our will is not His will?

Scripture says that our human ways often clash with the divine.


But on this day I watch her planting basil, green-gloved and vibrant. She smiles at my boys in the baby pool and it seems she will always be here - that our time together is long. I think this way when I am content and the world spins without interruption. Yet none of us are here forever. And maybe that's when hope comes bailing - rushing in like a balm, an opening, a streak of brilliant light. When we reach for what is eternal.

I wait for her text. It is the morning of her follow-up image. She's had another three months off chemo and now the MRI. I wonder what it will show. Is the tumor still lying dormant? Has it begun to stretch its subversive tendrils again? I try to explain it to the girls and they are concerned.

"Maybe a weed is growing in Grandma's head. We need to check it out. Maybe there's dirt in there!" says Ali. "Or a sunflower!" Sami shouts with big eyes. I haven't explained things very well but my clarification is stopped short with three little beeps. I snatch up my phone.

The tumor has not changed. I have another three months.

I breathe relief. We all do. And we feel the blessing. Three more months will mark an entire year that the tumor has done nothing but occupy space. We couldn't ask for more.

Like the double bow bending over her backyard, she shines through the storm. Her friends see her and think Hope. She is beating the odds. For how long? We don't know. For what reasons? Maybe the simple days of basil, boys, and wading pools.

Mom doesn't think too hard about it - tries to embrace the unanswered questions. Like why my cousin died at 36 of brain cancer leaving his beautiful wife and three young sons. It could plague her. But for now, she rises out of the shadowed valley - a symbol - a someone - for hope.

I think of Jesus, standing in golden perfection and hear His whisper. Some things are steady. Some things don't fade in minutes leaving only drops of prismed water. Some things stay.


He waits. Ready to pour down the assurance of things unseen. This comforts me. It comforts her and she moves through the weeks unattached and unblemished.

I pull the tin cup to my body and grip the handle tightly.


  1. Amazing Cath. Your words are beautiful, brilliant and bright. I love the image of clinging to that cup, holding it close to your heart. Perfect description. And your lovely mother, though I rarely interact with her, has taught me so much about hope, and steady as steel faith.

    Thanks for the uplifting words.
    And HALLELUJAH for another 3 months! Wahoo!!!

  2. i hope too. thanks for sharing this.
    so glad to hear the tumor has not changed.

  3. Good news, Cath! She'll remain in our prayers. We love ya!

  4. what a beautiful and tender post. you have such a gift with words. what fabulous news! embracing each day as a gift - what a great reminder. love the pictures. thanks for the inspiration!

  5. Just read the update on your mom. I am so thankful- and happy for all of you! I love keeping up with your family via your blog. You are amazing! I miss you and cannot believe the boys are 1. Time flies! Talk soon!
    PS- Originally sent this to your email but it bounced ?!?!?

  6. Melissa - am drinking up your comment. I miss your posts but I can completely relate to your "to do" before the return to blogging list. If I could keep myself from writing, I would work on my list. I wrote this morning instead of doing our finances. Oh well. And I'm sorry I missed you gals last night.

    Also - didn't know Doug's parents served in your ward. We should chat!

    Corinne - we are feeling so thankful. Thanks for reading my dear.

    Jill - So kind of you to keep her in your prayers. And wonderful to visit with you last night!

    Ali - I'm loving all your updated pics of the kids. Your family is beautiful in every way. I hope we get to see you again soon!

    Heath - I miss you like crazy! Sorry if my email didn't work. I disabled my yahoo account. Did you try my gmail? Time IS flying! We need to catch up. I so wish we could meet for lunch somewhere. It would do my heart good.

  7. I love to read your posts. You can say what we all feel and make it sound amazing! I love the picture of Mom coming from her garden! Love you! Thank you for this post :)

  8. So happy for you. I know how those checkups go, the stress! I'm glad this one was good.

  9. Don't know your gmail address- are we really that out of touch?? Send it to me please!!

  10. great, great news. your mom's smile, in every picture ive seen & the ones ive seen in person, is always so peaceful & full of reminds me of sweet grandma wray. so happy for you and your family. as always, obsessed with your writing :) *cami

  11. I love your hope. Love it. I'm going to come over and drink from your cup.

  12. So glad for you, your mom, and your family!

  13. Beautiful!! Thanks for sharing...i feel the same way!!

  14. I will say a prayer for your mommy! I pray she will have many more days watching your children grow and learn. Many more conversations talking to you. Hugs from Georgia!

  15. such wonderful news...
    nothing quite like a mom. xox

  16. Deb - I love that picture too.

    Brod - thanks for the support. I know you know the waiting and wondering, the worry. So glad things are going well for your Dad too!

    Heath - I will email you from my gmail account.

    Cami - It is interesting to see glimpses of Grandma in my Mom. And I agree - she has a beautiful, happy smile.

    Michelle - Come and drink. Really. We need to get together!!

    Mimi - thank you. So sorry I missed seeing you last week. I hope to be there next gathering! I heard it was wonderful.

    Amy - I know you can relate. Your Mom is a someone for hope too! Hurrah!

    Kellyn - prayers from Georgia! So sweet of you. Thank you.

    Cristie - you know it. Nothing like a Mom.

  17. why do I continue to read your post while at work? Without fail, you always make me teary-eyed.
    I love your writing.
    You make me happy!

  18. Beautiful. So happy that your Mom is doing well.

    And the first birthday pictures of the boys are just precious.

    We miss you and love you guys!

  19. Sarah - I love you. Watching you walk up to our front door the other night made ME happy!

    Mandy - Sure miss you guys. Little Mason is such a darling. Thanks for checking in!


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